“Dude! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you since 4 days ago?” I said to James. “You look exhausted” I added. He sighed and said, “I’m freaking tired man! Do you know the old grumpy man got me doing overtime during the graveyard shift? I swear I’ll punch him in the face the next time I see him, I’ve been working my butthole off all week”, I poked him on the head said, “lazy ass are you trying to get yourself fired? You’ll be out of a job if you keep that attitude”. He just shrugged off what I said.
He was about leaving when I said, “Hey I came looking for you at lunch time but I didn’t see you…??”, he looked into the air like he was trying to remember something, “yeah yeah yeah I was in the server room down the basement doing maintenance, the old man got me doing that, if I ain’t being paranoid I think he’s on to me”, “Stop talking crazy, but charle I what are you doing this evening after work?”, I asked him. “Nothing really, just go home I’m super exhausted! Why do you ask?” he said, “I need a ride and a place to crush the evening before heading home, do you mind?, I said in return.
“Are you hiding from your girlfriend?”, he said with his eyebrows raised so high. I smiled and said, “Can I come or not?”, he started laughing at me and said, ‘sure meet me at the parking lot when we knock off’, then we both went away smiling.
It was 5:30pm and I was already at the parking lot leaning against James’s car waiting for him. We knock off at 5pm but for some reasons James is half an hour late. I took out my phone to play candy crush. I was on level 823. I love playing that game, I play when I’m stressed. I was so locked in the game that I didn’t see or sense James when he sneaked up behind me, and yelled “POOH”, he startled the freaking life out of me that I almost peed on myself, literally. Good thing he had good reflexes, ‘cos if my fist that I swung landed on his face, he’ll be need snitches. He laughed at me but I told him not to do that again.
The first 5 minutes of our ride home was quiet until we run into traffic. Then James said, “3 days ago you said you were going to dump your girlfriend….so what’s up?, he said that with an evil grin on his face, I could tell he was up to no good. I thought of ignoring him but I still knew he wouldn’t drop it so I decided to engage him, our ride had been quiet enough. “Yeah I said I was going to dump her”, he laughed and started hitting the steering wheel with his hand, so I asked him, “Why the sudden excitement?”, he replied, “I knew you were kidding, I know how you look at her when she ain’t looking, you love her, I know you won’t do that to her, c’mon bruh it’s the month of love ffs”
“You probably right, I love her man, she’s one of the best thing that has ever happened to me but I’m still gonna dump her!”, I sounded more serious than ever. James was now realizing how serious I was, he took about a minute or two to process what I just said. He asked me, “You gonna dump this poor girl over a F brown leather belt? Are you serious? C’mon your Pop or Mom don’t beat you anyone, so can’t you just get over it?”, I nodded my head and said, “Did you just call her poor? Did you just assume her economic status? Dammn! She aint poor, she got money, a lot of it, but she’s stingy! Two polo shirts and a F brown leather belt? C’mon man last year I went all out for her, but instead she got a stupid shirt and stupid leather belt!”
“Calm down bro, I didn’t mean to get you all worked up, relax…maybe she was broke, maybe that’s why she couldn’t get you anything nicer last year”, said James. I chuckled. “I don’t think so, the girl ankasa ihn head troh, she be stingy waaa. This year I’m not spending a dime on her”. James tried to talk me but my mind was made up and nothing was going to change it. I was still going to find a away and dump her. He asked me one of the dumbest question ever, “Man are you broke?”, the question was so funny I even laughed, he continued, “I mean if you broke and you a need a loan, you know you could count on me, interest free, you know I gotcha back right?”
“I know you do bro, but why would you assume I am broke?”, I asked him. “I mean you’re about to break up with your girl because of 2 polo shirts, you just said she’s rich but wouldn’t spend any on you, stingy for short, which doesn’t really make any sense when I think about it. What I think is, you’re broke. See last year you really went all out for your girl, I mean you really threw some cash around to make it happen but in return she got you a brown leather belt, so were and still upset. This year I think you’re broke, I think you don’t have the funds to repeat what you did for her last year or something remotely close, you raised the bar so high that your funds this year can’t match up, cos you’re broke, nothing to be ashamed of, we’ve all been there before bro, that’s what I think”
I looked at him long and hard and wondered how one man spill so much stupidity from his mouth. I said nothing, I just took out my phone, clicked on my bank’s app and clicked on balance and showed the amount to James. You should have seen the expression on his face, “OMG you’re not broke!”, he kept repeating ‘OMG’ for like 2 minutes straight. He said, “I think I need to come to you for a loan, you don’t spend any of your money or what?”
“So what are you going to do now?”
-“I’ll dump her”
“Just like that?
-“Yep just like that”
“I’m curious tho, how do you plan doing that?”
-“I’ll make her dump me”
“Wait, you’ll dump her by making her dump you? That’s your plan? I mean it doesn’t make any sense?!”
-“It does, I’ll do things to make her dump me”
“It still doesn’t make any sense? I mean why would you go through all that trouble? You could just meet her at a place and break things off with her, but if you really wanna be mean you can also send her a text saying you’re dumping her”
-“You still don’t get it do you?…I am trying to get her to dump me because in the future I’ll get back with her?”
“Wait a sec…you’ll get back to her after you break up with her?”
-“Great, you’re now catching up”
“But dude, it still doesn’t make any sense? Why would you do that?”
-“Do you know how hard it’ll be if I am the one to break up with her?. If she dumps me, I’ll be the victim, so when I want to get back with her, I’ll use that as an advantage. But if I just dump or break things off, she’ll be the victim and when I want her back, it’ll be difficult or almost impossible!”
“Man you’re crazy, you need help, you’re going psycho. Why would you do that to her?”
-“I’m fine, I’m not crazy. I just don’t wanna spend money on her stingy ass this Valentine, simple! I got feelings man, I also like to be pampered and receive nice fancy gifts from time to time. That doesn’t make me psycho for wanting these things”
James didn’t have any further questions, the traffic eased a bit but no one talked. We were about 30 minutes away from James’s place. I took out my phone again and continued my candy crush. James switched on the radio a while after.
We were at James place. I made myself comfortable, I took off my shirt and laid in the couch. James said he had some leftover rice from yesterday so I went to the kitchen to heat it. He went out few blocks away to get some drinks. When he came back I told him we could have gone to the bar or club or something, today is Friday, we should be thanking God for it! He liked the idea, he said maybe he could get a girl’s number or something at the club. He whined about being single for too long.
So we get to Pixxels bar, ordered a couple of drinks. James sees two girls sitting alone and invites them over to our table, I didn’t object I just looked on. We order more drinks and grilled chicken. These girls are super cool, their company was so lit. James tells me he’s going to take a leak.
He comes back 5 minutes later holding his phone with his two hands. He comes closer to me and whispered, “Enyonam is on the phone, she wants to talk to you, she’s on the phone right now, she says you having been picking her call all evening, man what’s up?”. I got pissed and told him to tell her I aint around, but he tell me, “I can’t, I already told her you’re with me”, I scratch my hair for a while, those girls we invited over asks me if ‘everything is okay’, of course I said yes.
I dragged James to a quiet place and told him to ignore all calls from Enyonam. He looks confused, he doesn’t get it, so I told him
-“Man can’t you see what I am trying to do? I am ignoring her!”
“But why?”, he asked.
-“Relationship 101: if you ignore a girl, totally black her out and treat her like she doesn’t exist, she’ll eventually lose interest in you and dump you! Catch up, this is basic stuff”
“What do I tell her when she calls back again?”
-“Just tell her I went home and I am no longer with you, that way she’ll stop bothering you. 5 more days to Valentine’s day, I know I can dump her before that day”
story written by: @AbokiCleDre (follow me on twitter)
Copyright © 2017 by @AbokiCleDre
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